HOW I LOST 35 POUNDS

I know a lot of you have been able to read from my postings how I'm losing weight, how I'm closing in on a goal I only dreamed about, how I've tried, almost desperately at times, to reach a specific weight. Well, I'M THERE!!! In the past ten months, I have gone from a size 14 (occasionally a 16 during fat days) to a size 8! It's been a rough road, and it hasn't been easy, especially since I worked as the solitary cook at a preschool for nine months. I've had to learn self-control, and keep myself focused on what my goal was. The result has been an incredible life-change. And I'm not talking about the fact that my entire wardrobe has been revamped several times in the last year. It was hard to tell myself no when the chicken nuggets were right in front of me, to make myself go for 15 more minutes on the elliptical, or to get off the couch and go to a kickboxing or Zumba class. My whole perspective on food has changed, on eating, on relationships between people and the earth and the life forms that provide our diet. My outlook on what is possible has been revolutionized! My energy levels are up, I can play longer and harder, and I don't cry in the dressing room anymore.

Let me tell you right now--there is NO miracle pill that will shed your years of bad decisions. You can't drink, diet, or sleep your way to a healthier physique. You MUST put in the time in the gym, and you MUST make better eating choices. It's all about habits. And although it hurts sometimes, it's nothing compared to the pain in the dressing room.

So here are a few things I've done that have helped me shed 30 pounds over the past 10 or so months. Please keep in mind, while I started working out in October, my commitment to a healthier EATING lifestyle didn't start until January, and it wasn't until February that the weight started to come off in a VERY noticeable way.

FOOD

I started these habits at different stages of the game. Some of them were obvious from the start--no more ice cream, junk food, more fruits/veggies, etc--but other habits I picked up as I started to investigate what the exact consequences were from everything I ate. I'm sure I still make poor decisions, but it's nowhere near what I was doing. Everything I eat or don't eat is for a health reason. I encourage you to evaluate where YOU are first, before you just jump into it. It's a complete mindset-shift--this isn't something you can drop after a few months. You must be committed to changing, PERMANENTLY, how you see food and eating. I could write a whole other post on Americans' relationship to food. Onward!

1. I learned the difference between APPETITE and HUNGER. If I wanted something to eat, I evaluated my urge. Was I actually hungry, or was it my mouth that wanted something? If it's been three or more hours, it's usually hunger. If it's a particular craving ("I really want a ___ right now") then it's appetite. And appetite gets a "NO".

2. I don't eat unless I'll be up for three more hours. Eating right before sleep is NOT a good idea--your body simply stores up all those calories instead of burning them. And I have a shift-work job, so some nights I'm up until 1200 working and can't control when my dinner time is. So the three hour rule worked well. And I DON'T eat past 900.

3. I stopped drinking soda. Not only is the dark syrup bad for your teeth and liver, the sugar content in one can of coke is incredible--17 TEASPOONS!! That's outrageous. So, I started drinking water ALL the time--most of the time your 'hunger' cues are really from dehydration. You lose two liters of water (two nalgenes) everyday, through simple body functions (breathing, cell function, urinating, etc). So I drink those liters back plus some, and not only is my system flushed out of toxins and waste, but my skin is clearer and I'm not hungry nearly as often.

Tip: You can buy Vitamin C drops at any grocery store. I drop one in my Nalgene, and not only am I getting my daily C (which makes your skin 'glow') but it makes my water tastier!

4. I stopped eating most processed foods---no ice cream, cakes, cookies, puddings, etc. All my favorites were keeping me in 14s and sometimes 16s! Junk food is no longer an option. Instead, grapes, almonds, plums, and sometimes pretzels.

5. An endless supply of fruits and vegetables. I eat fresh, raw (or steamed) vegetables and fruits instead of "ready-made" meals or foods for most of my meals and snacks. I like to think of them as 'zero' calories--they're mostly water anyway, and the other bits are vitamins and important fats (avocados=monounsaturated fats, which help you lost belly pudge). So unlimited amounts of sweet, juicy, fruits and delicious, crisp veggies.

6. I cut out inorganic meat. Which I define as: meat that has no antibiotics or artificial hormones and was a grass-fed/vegetarian diet cow during it's life. Chicken is a little trickier, so I generally don't eat much of it. I don't eat much meat, period, but I'm not opposed to it. (Dating a vegan is teaching me ways around it.) Legumes are an awesome way to get your protein--I like to add pinto beans to my spinach salads or to a bowl of rotini with broccoli.

7. I drastically cut down on breads. Bread, tortillas, rolls, etc. Fill up on vegetables and fruits instead of those heavy grains. And when I did eat it, it was whole grain--no more white bread.

8. I don't eat lunch meat/deli meat that contains nitrates/nitrites. Which is most of them. Unless they specifically say they don't have them, or aren't marked "uncured", then they DO have these harmful chemicals. Did you know--nitrites are turned into adrites, which is a cancer-causing chemical. No thank you. I don't eat ham/bacon at all anymore, either-even uncured, it only has to be 20% protein to be labeled as such, and if I'm eating meat, it's for the protein content. So turkey, nitrite-free, is my lunch meat of choice. I like Boar's Head brand, because they're organic, uncured, and tasty.

9. Dairy intake cut in half. Not only is most dairy high in fats, I'm also lactose-intolerant. Occasionally I eat organic, natural yogurt (No HFCS) for the acidophilus (an important bacterial culture important for women!). But ice cream, most butter, cream cheese, sour cream, and inorganic milk had to go. (Side note: I couldn't drink milk for a long time because of my lactose intolerance. But fat-free milk that comes from pasture fed, hormone-/antibiotic-free cows doesn't bother me at all! Go figure).

10. No more high-fructose corn syrup (HFCS). This is mostly on principle: the government gives subsidies to the soy and corn farmers, encouraging mass-production farms (capitalism at it's worst) while family-farms and local farmers are dying out because no one can compete with the prices subsidized farms can offer.

EXERCISE

Simply put--MOVE more. Mom's been telling me this for a long time, but I couldn't believe how much exercise I WASN'T getting. As I got over the general stiffness and soreness, I started noticing muscles. And THOSE burn much more fat than....fat. The leaner your muscles, like your thighs (particularly the quadriceps, which are the largest in your body) the more calories they burn

1. I go to the gym. Seems simple, right? You wouldn't believe how hard this one is to keep up with. But once I'm there, and in clothes, I quit thinking of reasons to go home. The easiest way was to go straight from work to the gym.

2. I go to Zumba classes. I suppose I should have made this number one, but I have LITERALLY danced my butt off. If you haven't heard of this workout phenomenon, google it. It's an amazing hour of interval training through latin-based hip-hop dancing. It's incredible--I completely attribute my success to this class. I go anywhere from once to three or four times a week, depending on my work schedule. I'm a success story my instructors love to use to show the newbies why they should keep coming.

3. Cardiovascular workout. My apartment complex has a little fitness room with the perfect little elliptical. If I don't feel like battling austin traffic to get to the YMCA, I run down there and knock out half an hour on this clunky machine. But I ALWAYS feel my thighs twitching in the tell-tale sign of a successful workout.

4. I ride my bike. Granted, this one is a recent addition, but I feel I can attribute this latest jump from a 10 to an 8 to it. My quads are burning more calories because not only are they getting used more in workout, but at a resting heart rate they're burning more simply because there's MORE of them! Also, riding to work has not only saved me gas, but it makes me feel like I'm experiencing the world in a whole new way. I enjoy feeling my lungs and thighs struggle through hills, and getting to work out under the sun (usually a problem for an asthmatic like me) has been an awesome experience.

Nothing more. The workout portion wasn't as long as the food because the idea behind it is simple: get UP and DO something! The classes work best for me because I stand up front, not to show off, but to keep myself motivated. There isn't a way I'm walking out of there when 50 people could see me leave! And it's fun and I don't have to think about what to do-I just follow along and BAM! my workout's over. No mulling over what to do next. I love being able to do physical activities now without feeling fat or unable to--I can keep up and actually enjoy myself!

One more thing before I go. Don't deprive yourself. I know I've said a lot about telling yourself no and having self-discipline, but what's the point of life and of enjoying food if you're not actually enjoying yourself? I had to learn to love fruit over Swiss Cake rolls, but I honestly do now. The trick is to not buy it. I can't eat it if it's not in my house. Eating from boredom is a lot less dangerous if I'm snacking on grapes rather than cookies or potato chips. So a) go work out if you're bored and b) make smarter decisions when you go to the grocery store.

All that said-- if I'm out with friends, I'm not going to say no to chocolate gelato. I'll simply order the smallest one there, or share one with a friend. It's about portions, and about not beating yourself up if you have 2000 calories instead of 1600 one day. So what? Life should be enjoyed. Food is a part of that.

So there you go! Not too difficult, right? If you have any questions or comments, PLEASE leave them--I'd love to help. And I love to learn, so if you have any nutritional advice, send it my way--I'm always looking for ways to improve my diet.

what if, at some point before, you and i had stood at the top of a great cliff? and looking down, we would see waiting the earthly life we had yet to live. but supposing, that they hadn't told us that we could jump together, but once we reached the bottom, we wouldn't begin it together? that part of the wonder of our love was that we would have an adventure in finding each other again? that to give us more story, we would be separated, and that part of the fun of the jumping off was that we would have the surprise and the joy and the wonder of reuniting.

i think we did.

and that's why i'm so bewildered by cliffs. because i haven't always stood there alone.

that might be why i feel like my right side is always empty.

The March and April Editions

god and don't you remember black-lined stockings? those dark tights, or maybe not-so-dark, with that obvious black line up your calf. you hoped you had great legs, hoped that those dark lines emphasized and drew attention in the best way. the only problem was that you had to keep those lines straight, damn it all. adjusting, readjusting. that was the real test of your sexiness, how straight your lines were....

and above all, i just love photography. well not above all. but above fashion, that's for damn sure. and none of that messy shit, either. but nothing contrived--nothing stilted. but damn! don't tell me... that girls never brush their hair like that, or that they actually wear green lipstick. or if they do--don't try to sell me that they're comfortable that way. and how do they feel in the morning? when everything is smeared to the right, when those low-slung pants are riding their ass-crack? it can't be comfortable. there's something to be said for stretching out and feeling like the only constriction is how close the line is between shadow and sun...

can we please stop pretending that boys are girls and that real men like feeling like a woman?

silly little me

so normally i try to post something on here that's a tad more intelligent or has depth to it than what i'm about to say, but i'm desperate. anyone i would normally 'gush' this to is probably sleeping, and i'm not really the kind that likes to 'gush' anyway. so no 'gushing'. 'gush'-free. so please, forgive the next few lines of teen-aged girly giggliness.

tonight, clayton and i made a real connection. did we talk? of course not! our 'connection', such as it was, consisted mostly of various facial movements directed at one another. the climax of the night? when he strolled past me, and lifted his eyebrows. (as i type this, i begin to realize how absolutely ridiculous this would have sounded had i actually tried to communicate this to anyone!) it wasn't the motion, honestly. it's not that big of a deal, i realize. it was the look in his eyes as he did it, it was the way my heart stuttered and how all of a sudden, i felt like i was a teen again--out of my league and out of my depth.

so not much. but enough to make it a great night. it always is, though, whenever he's there.

Romantic Only In Retrospection

there is a certain romance to things--candlelight, fire, stars, roses--these are the ones that spring to mind to so many. But i find that magic in so many other things as well--my warm bed in my cold room, how my feet feel when i pull off my shoes, or how my clean shirts smell like laundry soap when i first pull them on. when i was younger, i thought that romance was something you experienced in the moment.

now, i don't want to discount those moments when i'm in the middle of something incredible, and i think "i don't want to lose this memory--this is too good, this is too full of life. i love this, i want to live in this forever i will remember this forever" but the older i get, it seems that most of the romanticism to life is actually found in retrospect.

for example--there are definitely moments from my time at camp eagle that i know were romantic--the interns and mer lying on crash pads, watching the lightning storm, or lying with Sarah in the hammock at mi casa, listening to the wind chimes. but i'm finding that being able to say "the camp i worked at for 15 months" is also romantic. it didn't seem that way at the beginning...but now it seems that having done it, 'accomplished' it, is in itself something.

having learned this and believed this all, i thought it would be romantic to work in a delicatessen. it sounds cool, sounds like a job that would give some credibility. but the truth is so much grimier, so much wetter, so much more crude and embarrassing and frustrating sometimes. i don't like the guys i work with--they do nothing but ogle the girls and ask incredibly inappropriate questions of a sexual nature. the work is boring and my body is beginning to protest--just ask my right shoulder as it pops every time i slice. i get wet and disgusting by the end of the shift.

(however, there is a boy. in produce. who makes my heart ache a little bit, whose smile makes it skip. who likes to stare at me. but that's only trivial, in the long run. unless he does something about it--then i wouldn't call it trivial.)

two jobs is not fun--even if the money helps out a lot. but i don't believe it should be just about the money. i don't like either one of them, actually. and school is alright, but not what i wanted to be doing at this point in my life--didn't i already do this, so i wouldn't have to be working this hard in life? what i can't get over is the feeling that i want my life to be romantic and real while i'm living it, not when i'm reliving it.

sometimes i just want to run away from my life. i almost did it last night. i almost just picked up my keys and walked away from this. the thought is invigorating, honestly. leave behind all financial obligations, and just drive away--no two weeks notice, no 'last shift', no rent check or utitilies bills. i'd go to LA or somewhere. yeah, LA. i'd drive right up to paramount, and demand that they give me an audition and then a character spot. i'd prove i belong there. and i wouldn't have to worry about how the purpose i was created for and the purpose i'm serving now in now way remotely resemble each other. damnit.

although.

there are still times here, in this too-small apartment with one loveseat and sink flies, where i'm glad this is my life. where i can lie on my floor and listen to an old vinyl. that's nice. it's kind of funny how i can't shut my oven without all the spices falling off the back ("Dammit!"). actually, it's not very funny at all.

but doesn't it sound romantic?

if there's one thing i've always wanted, it's got to be beautiful hands. elegant fingers, slim palms, tapering nails. it's not what i've got, and nail polish only makes me look cheap and chubby-fingered. i try anyway, sometimes. and so while my left hand is disastrous because the nail wand is like a drunk driver, my right hand is unbearable to look at--i'm right handed, so attempting to paint with my left hand is laughable.

memories are moments you don't get back

the first night of my summer '07 roadtrip (with the Lonehollow crew), we spent it on Mustang Island down by South Padre. we simply laid down a tarp between the two vehicles and crammed our sleeping bags together. i remember singing lullabies because i couldn't sleep, and i definitely thought everyone else was. the stars were exceptional that night--clear skies and endless space. the next morning, i woke up to the sun rising over the ocean. it was simply breathtaking. then we discovered jared had rolled over onto a sand crab in the night, crushing it underneath him. we were camped next to more than a few sand crab pits.

when i was still in high school my grammy showed up at my house about 8 'clock at night with an enormous bottle of wine under her arm. her and my mother then proceeded to drink the entire bottle. it is the only time i've ever seen my mother drunk--or the first time i saw what my grandmother would do when a situation was slipping beyond her control. my father and i followed her home, because although "she wasn't in-bree-bree-ated"...we still worried. i wish i could sit in my kitchen with my grandmother again. i wish i had known then that you don't get moments like that again.

this last week 3 year old ryland tried to play with both shoes untied. i bent down and tied them for him. when i looked up at him, without a word he simply lent forward and gave me the sweetest little-boy kiss. my heart melted a little bit.