Another Night Where I Cannot Handle My Life

I am such a woman of utter contradictions. I keep thinking I need a place to find quiet, to truly rest in my spirit, to not always be doing things. But then--when I am not doing things, I go crazy. I feel a lack of spontaneity. I think that's what I'm missing the most right now: crazy, do-it-for-no-reason, why-did-we-do-that stories we'll sit around talking about later. But who's the WE in all of this?! There's just ME, longing for campfires at the beach, conversations by the lake, stargazing on a car hood, roadtrips to faraway cities, cross-country train rides, bedding down at the house of a new friend, drinking late at night, being beautiful and young and free and unfettered and perhaps a little irresponsible.

I'm in desperate need of a roadtrip. I need to see different things, meet new people, be wild and free and spontaneous. I need change in my life. I keep waiting for something big to shift, some momentous occasion to occur...SOMETHING. (That's the idea behind a roadtrip WITH someone, and bringing a video camera.) And then I remember a tidbit of something House said in an episode Amanda made me watch. It went along the lines of "Time does NOT change things. If you just leave them alone, that's the way they'll stay. Only DOING something changes things." So I've been mulling that over too. How can I change things, what am I so bored with?

Life.

My boring job that doesn't change things, change lives, that I am not passionate about. It doesn't wake me with excitement in the morning, doesn't inspire me to greater heights. I can't get creative, throughout the day I increasingly resemble a robot--automated and emotionless. This begs the question, the dilemma I cannot resolve. Is it better to just do what I have to do so that later, I can do what I WANT to do? Is it better to suffer a little bit each day? Because honestly, what right do I have to expect a job that fully satisfies? Millions of people each day go to a job they hate. Millions of people complain about their job--it's probably one of the biggest causes of ulcers and high blood pressure in America.

Or....or....or....

Should I try to do something different? Should I dare to be brave, be courageous? I feel i would have to squeeze my eyes shut, and jump in feet-first (not head first, you break your neck that way). Months ago, I said I wanted to try things, dare to make mistakes, dare to fail...here's my opportunity, I think. Not that anything has arisen, but my mother is encouraging me to find that thing that makes me happy and to go for it. What makes me happy? The answer comes so readily to mind, it's becoming an impossible urge to ignore.

I indulge in a ridiculous fantasy: one day, someone important will hear me singing, and won't be able to resist taking me down the road to Fame. Now, I don't really want to be famous for the sake of being famous, as so many do. All I really want in this world is to sing and have people listen--moments of my heart on my sleeve, slipping out through the microphone to create Beauty in this world. It's the same reason I paint, the same reason I create, sometimes the reason I cook. It's why I drive with my window down, why I take walks in the field behind my parents' house...why I write this blog. But music, singing--that's my one true gift. It's THE thing in this world that brings my heart nearest to completion. It's hearing that one particular note, stretched high, piercing your soul, that moment you feel God must be made of music.

But I don't know how to start! I don't know where to begin! Does anyone?! Connections?! Just because I simply want it to the point of heartache doesn't mean it is simply going to happen--time doesn't do that, remember? It involves me doing something, me risking failure and chancing things. Risk, courage, change, bravery...do I have it in me?